Screw YOU Life

I have found no purpose in living. For the last 5 years I have been searching for some purpose, some reason I'm here and I cannot seem to find one. I'm not excellent at anything, I'm not an optimist, and I would make a horrible mother. I cannot go to school for I cannot afford it. I'm not pretty and I have horrible qualities. The only reason I am alive today is because my friends have forbid me to die and I have a hard time telling people no. I wish i could say "SCREW YOU, Imma do it anyway," but I'm a weak human and so I live... being a waste of space.
I do not believe happiness exists, I do not believe in soul mates or love, I do not believe there is a God, I do not believe there is an actual purpose as to us living, I do not believe death should be feared but welcome, I do not believe there is a purpose for life at all. Our existence is and always will be until I die, because when I do I can finally just forget about everything and be non-existent just like I've always wanted.
I think because of this I'm going to do everything on my "do-not-do" list that I've been raised to believe since I was a young child.
1. get multiple piercings
2. drink
3. do drugs
4. have sex
5. swear
6. steal
7. lie
8. treat people rudely
9. speed
10. smoke
11. watch porn
12. be in porn
13. kill
14. wear immodest clothing
15. gamble

I mean I don't plan on doing some of these, but I think I'm going to try most of them... because why shouldn't I? (killing is the one I definitely won't do)

Politics 2012

I'm so sick of candidate bashing. Not only from republican and democrat parties, but their campaign speeches and vote for me ads on t.v. Honestly I think neither one is a good enough candidate for what we need right now, definitely doesn't help that all of congress sucks. Nothing is ever going to get done because to many people are so focused on party voting and doing what their party wants to do that they don't see the bigger picture.
President Obama wanted a healthcare bill passed, it was a good idea, until the Republicans decided it wasn't good enough because he was a Democrat... and as everyone knows Republicans are much better with money then Democrats... Which is true, in most cases, but in this one the Republicans didn't want Democrats to have all the power so they had to use their "power" to change it. I'm not saying the bill was amazing the way Obama had it, but the Republicans just made it worse. Romney has a better bill he wants to pass instead, honestly it's pretty good, but knowing how this works... the Democrats won't allow it just cuz he is Republican.
Last Presidental election, a group of people went around asking people who they voted for and why. Did you know the main reasons Obama won was because:
1. He's Black
2. He's a Democrat
3. He was more attractive then the other candidate.
I mean seriously? Come on people, we need to stop voting just to vote. We need to vote for the person, who we think (based on evidence) will be a better candidate. We also need to stop listening to biased radio stations, t.v. stations, and prideful people. It's about time we started doing the work and started thinking for ourselves... Otherwise this nation is going to fall and we won't be able to build it back up. Get off your lazy butts and start doing something, life isn't made to be handed over... It's meant to be worked for. Work for what you want, what you think you deserve to have, work for the future, work til the end.

Calling out for Freedom

The reason I've been doing absolutely nothing for so long is not because I don't think I can succeed at it, but because I don't want to succeed at it. I have no desire to get a degree at college even if I want a good career or encase I'm forever alone. I have no desire to save tons of money, I would rather spend it on my friends to make them happy then to save it to make me happy. I have no desire to be great at anything or to put myself out there, in fact I would welcome failure.
I love to fail, well that's not the right way to say that. I don't love failing, because then I feel like a worthless loser, but I don't want to succeed at anything. I love to work, I love reading, I love school, but I don't want to do any of them because I don't want the chance of succeeding. I don't want to keep moving forward in my life, I want to stay right where I am for now. I don't want the chance of losing myself, I don't want the chance of having to much change or to much stress. I also don't want to be an adult, not because I just constantly want to have fun and do nothing, but because adults are boring. Adults don't laugh as much, or enjoy life as much. They stress about everything; bills, children, food, work, school, church, etc. I don't wanna have to deal with so much stress, especially alone and I think I may end up being alone forever.
I want to be me and have fun no matter what I'm doing, I want to be free.

I hate men....

I don't know what's happening to me, because I've never felt this kind of physical lust towards someone before. I mean I've felt attracted to someone where I wish I could kiss them, I've felt undying love for someone to where I was willing to let him go because that's what he needed to do, I've felt a love hate towards someone to the point I was okay being used as a sex tool..... BUT I have NEVER, i repeat NEVER had this feeling.
It's not that I find him extremely manly, or amazingly gorgeous... He just has this crazy scent that  every time I smell it I literally almost jump his bones. I don't even know what to do about it, cuz I'm having a hard time not making out with him or something much more. I am so distracted around him I barely know what's going on, all I know is I have this crazy craving in my pants that won't go away. I also know it is not me being baby crazy, because I don't like babies so much and if I did I would want to make out with every boy... not just one who has this magnificent over powering man scent.

I swear, if he does not make out with me soon... I may jump his bones.... I'm having the hardest time trying to keep myself in line... BUT it doesn't help the man I'm in love with is FARRR away and I barely talk to him... not even on a phone... it sucks so much, it makes me cry. I miss him so much, but I'm constantly afraid he doesn't miss me and he doesn't feel the same way I do about it. Sometimes it hurts so much that I just want to die, I've thought about it a few times.. Suicide, but he told me I wasn't allowed to die.. Not that he is gunna care when he gets back and remembers what I'm like but that little tiny piece of hope still lingers and it's like a burden on my chest because I have no easy button, no way out. I'm stuck here because of that small piece of hope and it pisses me off.

Someone once told me "men are created equal" that's a load of BULL CRAP. It's pretty obvious they aren't. I mean some people are made pretty and some people are made smart... but not everyone gets something. In fact most of us get the short end of the stick and get ugly+stupid... So why would someone as beautiful as him want someone as horrible as me? He wouldn't, so shouldn't I just give up?

My Dream

So I posted this on DreamMoods.com, because well I had a dream that didn't sit well with me.

"I'm not quite sure how I got to this part of my dream, but I started out on a train headed towards some land that was made of metal and wood. When I get there I start looking for some small child, that is to be my younger brother that I do not have.
Time passes and I find myself in a film studio, where Sterling Knight (from Disney Channel Sonny With A Chance) just finished his scene. I walk up give him a hug and tell him I am his biggest fan, he then says lets go on a walk. We climb up these metal stairs and it suddenly wasn't Sterling Knight anymore it was my boyfriend (who has been gone for 6 months on a 2 year spiritual journey). He then has us climb up these 2 towers and he just lays there starring at the stars, I do not feel as comfortable this high up so I ask to hold his hand, he tells me no saying "you can do it."
Eventually we got down and went past fancy Old English style house full of people in old style dresses with the big wigs and amazingly complicated dresses (I believe 1800's or earlier), he points out how beautiful this blonde woman who is singing is and I sarcastically say "yeah she is the prettiest women in the world, why don't you ask her out?" he ignores me and walks me over to this love-seat. Where he sits me down and tells me I will do fantastic, apparently I was to be meeting his parents. Then I woke up.
I'm very confused because never in a million years would he be that cold to me, but I felt very ignored by him in my dream, and I can't seem to shake these horrible feelings. >.<"

 

I looked up what my dream could possibly mean, it told me the towers could mean spirituality. A journey towards higher spirituality, which would make sense since Jonathan is on a mission. Anyways I got a bunch of interesting information about what my dream could possibly mean, but then I got a fantastic reply from a person on this website.

 

"by dreamweaver123 on Thu Jun 07, 2012 7:11 pm

I'm reminded of Agatha Christie. Some of her books have really made me think.
I think he is planning a marriage proposal in the dream, but you are finding his manner to be cold and standoffish. Perhaps your vision of the romance isn't really what is really happening (in the dream, I mean, for I don't know what goes on in your real life). It is all quite quaint, this little town that you travel to, but the feeling I'm getting is you're not amused by the travels back in time, that you're seeing some of the things that went on and you are feeling like the whole thing is contrived, like it's all a movie set or a charade or a facade, and you'd like to be real and let it all hang out, and you're feeling hemmed in, as if someone was cinching your petticoat. I just get the feeling that you want out of this relationship, that you're finding his crush on this singer to be demeaning to you. It's as if he loves you, but has this infatuation with someone he can never have and I think it's human nature to seek out something that is unattainable. I just don't know if you want to invest more time in this if you cannot trust the man, but I have a feeling that this is just a subconscious fear, that he loves you more than life itself. Jealousy can come into our dreams, but I think you have nothing to worry about."

 

This person almost hit it head on, for I am overly jealous of every women on this planet... which is bad because it is against what I believe to be jealous of other people or their things. I think my own self-consciousness is holding me back from ever doing things.

 

Anyways this is the rest of the information I found for myself and it's all very correct.

 

"To dream that you are climbing a tower denotes your quest for spirituality and subconscious ideas that may be surfacing. 

To dream that you are jealous of another person signifies that such feelings may be carried over from your waking life. Alternatively, to dream of jealousy represents your vulnerability and your fear of intimacy. You need to work on self-love and on acknowledging your self-worth.

To dream that you insult someone indicates that you are feeling insecure about a waking relationship or situation. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are trying to hide your true feelings. You are expressing your anger towards someone within the confines of your dream. You need to confront this person in real life.

To dream that you have been insulted suggests that you are suffering from low self esteem. 

To see a train in your dream represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing. Alternatively, a train means that you are very methodical. You need to lay things out specifically and do things in an orderly and sequential manner. 

To dream that you are on a train symbolizes your life's journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction.  Alternatively, the dream means that you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will work out in the end.

To dream that you are traveling represents the path toward your life goals. It also parallels your daily routine and how you are progressing along. Alternatively, traveling signifies a desire to escape from your daily burdens. You are looking for a change in scenery, where no one has any expectations of you. Perhaps it is time to make a fresh start. If your travels come to an end, then it symbolizes successful completion of your goals.

To see or sit on a loveseat in your dream indicates your need for love and intimacy. If someone else is sitting on the loveseat with you, then it suggests that you need to be more open about your feelings.

To see metal in your dream symbolize the inhumane side of society. Consider the exact type and shape of metal and what you are doing with it. In particular, if the metal is solid, then it represents your libido and sexual desire.

To dream that you are climbing up a ladder suggests that you have reached a new level of achievement. It is symbolic of prosperity, hard work and your efforts. Alternatively, it indicates meditation and prayer. You are setting forth on a spiritual path and higher awareness. Each rung of the ladder is symbolic of a stage in your spiritual awareness. The dream may also highlight how you are looking things from a different perspective. "

 

Epiphany

I had an epiphany today at work. Now before I say this you have to realize I had realized this before, just never really thought about it. Everything has a reaction.
An example of this is deciding to eat somewhere. Let's say you go to Subway then your car going in reminds someone else their hungry and they go eat somewhere else, creating a mess at that place. Then the worker gets mad because they made a mess so they build up anger and get mad at their wife who then gets angry at the child. The child then goes to school the next day and bullys another child, and that child ends up killing himself. That one simple thing caused a chain reaction to something much worse.
It just made me realize how easy would can cause things to happen, we are both in-significant and significant to people living, dying, eating, sleeping, etc. How our lives are fragile but at the same time important to the survival of life.... need to be careful what we say and do. Even accidentally suggesting someone is fat can ruin someones life.. positivity is the best solution.

Political Shakespearean Poem

I wrote this poem in high school for homework in my Shakespearean class. Thought it was funny and political. :P

Poem:

They all do feed us lies which we should fear,
They feed upon our fears from day to day,
To stay in charge they claim the end is near,
To be the boss they claim they are the ray,

To them we have become a game of cards,
We are each played but we are each to blame,
We have become a group of fat-ish lards,
The fools, each played to reach their mighty fame,

Providing care that cannot solve the world,
They kill the people’s cash the best, I say,
This kind of scheme just makes me want to hurl,
Commanding all to pledge the flag of them,

To warn you all about these vainful men,
I say to you that you elected them.

Life sucks balls

It's sucks when you look in the mirror everyday and don't like what you see. You put make-up on to try and cover up the hideous-ness, but it doesn't do much. You go hang with your "friends" and they lie to you, telling you that you look good when you know it's a lie. Then having someone pretend to care about you, knowing they are making you love them, then leaving you to rot behind because you cared to much. Them knowing your ugly and using you because they see no point in getting a real girlfriend since they are leaving, but feeling it's ok to use this useless object for their own selfish pleasures. Having everything they ditch you with reminds you of them; phones, music, friends, food, movies, and life itself.
Having God pretend to give you things, then taking them away so that you hurt more then you did before. Everyday wishing you were dead, but him giving the tiniest bit of hope just to keep you alive so you can suffer more...... LIFE SUCKS, you don't get to die until you can't handle any more and die.