Disappointment

During the course of ones life you experience a numerous amount of disappointments. Between friends not showing up to parties, people not being able to hang out, family not forgetting about important events in your life, and etc. you start to feel like you can't depend on people anymore. Eventually, after having so much disappointment in your life, you just start to expect everything and everyone to disappoint you in some way or another.
Every time I have ever thrown a party, my worst fear is that people aren't going to come. I don't think anyone is going to come, because more than often I get a lot of people telling me they can't come or not showing up. Even when I do throw a party, most people don't even show up until an hour after it's started. For that hour, I normally am alone... with all of my party stuff, thinking about how much my life doesn't matter to my friends. How that I care to much and need to stop having friends because they obviously don't like me. I'm neurotic, depressive, and a slight pessimist... I very often assume the worst will come of every situation and therefore don't get as disappointed from it.
One disappointment that never fails is boys. I dated a guy for 2 years who did nothing more than use and abuse me. To be fair to him I wasn't at a good point in my life either, so I wasn't very nice... but that didn't change how being with him made me felt. He would never stand up to his mom, who judged me because his ex-girlfriend was friends with her and wasn't over him. He never would stand up to his dad who constantly force him to do things because he was a push over. He wouldn't stand up to his ex-girlfriend who would talk crap on me. I didn't expect him to lay on a sword for me, all I wanted was to have his family give me a chance. I didn't think it was much to expect, but like most guys... he was a disappointment and didn't have the balls to stand up for me.
I made a friend at work recently, we were getting really close... We would laugh and talked together all the time and hang out all day, she made work bearable. I than one day introduced her into a guy I was into. She knew that I was into him and told me that she was excited I was into him. She also had a boyfriend so I wasn't really worried. Less than one month later, she cheated on her boyfriend and had sex with this guy I had been into. Her and him... also huge disappointments and have given me reasons to never trust people ever again...
I'm just extremely tired of disappointments... today I was told that the person I invited to a party with me won't be going... Typical. Why do I think anyone will actually do what they say they are going to do... People don't do that. People don't stick to their word anymore, people don't think it's a big deal... but that little disappointment may be little, but when they repeatedly come... one after another, you get to this point where you don't trust anyone... or rely on anyone ever again... I can trust one person, me... does that mean I will be alone for the rest of my life? I don't know, I hope not... I hope I can trust again, but do I want to? Maybe not, if it means my heart hurts.... Is it worth the heartache to be disappointed?
I guess you need to ask yourself, is that person worth it? Your heart knows, just trust it.

This week/no make-up

I've been highly addicted to make up for the last 7 years. Nobody outside of my house has ever seen me without my make-up on, because I feel ugly and powerless without it. This week I made a goal not to wear make-up at all... This is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yeah it may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but it's my addiction I do not like the way I look without make-up and right now I kinda want to go crawl in a ball and die. It's only the second day and I can't handle this. The exposure is mentally painful and it makes me feel like I am the ugliest human on the planet earth right now.
So yesterday I spent the entire day trying to get rid of this nasty face that make-up has caused my skin to have.... Today I made the mistake of inviting a guy I trust and love to come over and hang out with me... I feel so sick right now waiting for him to come over, but i know I need to do this. I need to over come my fear of people knowing who I really am. I hate make-up, it has consumed me and my life and it's pathetic that I feel like I can't go a single day without wearing it. How am I ever suppose to find someone who can love me for me if I'm always hiding behind my mask of make-up. I know I'm not exactly pretty and I know I'm not fit or anything, but I do want to be happy. I want to find someone who can see past this ugliness and see me for how I am on the inside.
At this moment I do not think it will ever happen, nobody will see past this face, but it won't stop me from trying... Even if it's just so i can learn to love myself, even though I'm not as pretty as other people. I'm me and I should learn to be me. I don't want to spend the money and time it takes to wear makeup everyday and I want my skin to be clean again. I need to do this, I need to. I just don't know if I will survive the mental hurt it will cause me this week, but I have to try.

Time to throw this life what it deserves.

I've have low self-esteem since I was 5, when for class we weighed ourselves and I was the tallest by a lot so of course I weighed the most... Ever since then I've thought I was fat.
I've been suicidally depressed since I was 16 years old, when I realized my life really had no meaning and no purpose and that I was going to lose everything and have to start over after I left the high school.
I've been deceiving myself, telling myself that if I get prettier or if I get skinnier or if I find a career I enjoy, that my life will change. That I will be happy and feel complete. It's not true, I don't feel ugly... I don't feel fat.... and I finally figured out things I"m good at and can do... but it doesn't matter. After 21 years, i finally figured out that there is no reason for me to be alive, that no matter how perfect my life is... I will never be happy because that's how I'm programmed to be. I was born to be sad, alone, and depressed. Continuing on in this journey of life without meaning... so I've decided I'm going to forget. I'm going to use everything in my power to forget who I am, who I was, and who I have to be. I'm going to forget I"m alive and forget that death is in existence. I'm going to play house until one day it just disappears. I'm not going to play by the rules others set, I'm going to play by my own rules and things that make my life interesting. I will not fear, I will not hesitate, I will not second guess what I want to do, and I definitely will not play any more stupid mind games. This life is messed up and I'm not going to walk on the sidewalk with everyone else, if I have to be alive... I'm going to play some messed up games of my own.

Birthful Death

So this thought has been on mind for a really long time...

What's the point in birth when it ends to die?
Hearing death pound upon my door,
only pain lives here,
breathing in cold icy air,
time is nye and I've left no trail,
do all feel this worthless pain?

Yeah it sucks, but this is how I hear stuff in my head...

Maybe if I was different

Do you ever wish you could go back? Back to when times were simple. Times when people loved you and you loved them. Times when all you needed was imagination and the outdoors. Times when making friends was easy and you were suppose to be friends with everyone. When the only thing you worried about was the fact there wasn't ever enough time in the day to finish your game. When you weren't afraid to get in trouble for picking flowers at the neighbors house. When Climbing on houses and fences seemed normal and fun (well it still kind of is :P) Back when telling someone they were cute was easy because you felt invincible. What would you have done differently?
Let's start from the first thing I would change...
1. I would have never let my mom dress me for pictures
2. Kissed Mitchel Washburn not gone for Ty Sorensen
3. Dressed better
4. Stayed in touch with everyone who moved away.
5. Exercised more and took dance classes
6. Done better in the science fair
7. Made a better drama video
8. Told Brett how I felt in 7th-8th grade
9. Took dance
10. Never swear
11. Got better grades
12. Had more confidence
13. Made more dependable friends
14. Never steady dated
15. Took French
16. Been less crazy
17. Had less anger management issues.
18. Hung out with the neighbor boy less
19. Draw more
20. Took advantage of David hugging me
21. Spent less money on useless things
22. Not get in a car wreck
23. (this one is over time) make less babysitting mistakes, with nieces and neighbors.
24. Got a scholarship
25. Never been so annoyed by Tyler, Brett, and Andrew
26. Gone to college right outta high school
27. Dated Jonnie earlier
28. Looked prettier
etc.
There are so many things i wish I hadn't done, more then what I put on here, but I felt they were kind of inappropriate for this blog. >.> Anyways, just wondering what is your number one thing you would have changed? Mine is been more honest with myself and my feelings to others. I spent so many years holding in how I felt and repressing horrible things in my past. This later made me crazy angry and annoying and rude to everyone because I felt very alone and stressed. Maybe everything would be different now, if I had been different.... Maybe...

Self Esteem

Fighting your depression doesn't mean denying that you feel that way.
Depression also is never going to go away, it doesn't magically get better one day. It does get easier, but it's not magic. Fighting depression takes work, takes want. Not just the regular want, I mean hardcore down to your very last being of wanting. You have to put every little bit of strength you have into it for a very long time to make it better, but it is worth it. I'm still not completely outta my depression, but I can feel it getting better and I've been fighting this depression for my whole life. Here are some tips for things you probably have a hard time with
Self-esteem: Well sub-category this one
Looks:
Here's one I find every human being has in one way or another. Despite what you think, you're definitely not alone on this one. Even pretty stick figures have self-esteem issues, that's why they are so skinny. I could tell you to diet to make yourself feel skinnier, I could tell you to wear make-up or do little things to change the way you look... but honestly they probably won't make you happy. Yeah it will probably raise your self-esteem, but the fact is you have to work at it. Dieting and changing the way you look takes time and is a life time commitment, the second you stop you will probably go back to the old you. What you need to do is accept that you are who you are, for good or for bad you have to be you. Eventually someone will look at you differently then you do and think you're amazingly good looking, because everyone is different. We all like different stuff, so whose to say if you're not "pretty?" What even is pretty? What society says? Who are they to decide what is the best and what everyone should like, no 2 people are the same.... so doesn't that mean everyone is technically pretty just in their own way? YES IT DOES. You are good looking and people can see that, so try to remind yourself that.
Traits:
You probably don't feel like your good at anything or good enough to do anything. Guess what? Everyone feels this way too! The worst part about this one is it takes work. Saying your not good at something just means your to lazy to try. Talent doesn't just pop outta the ground it takes work and yeah you'll mess up but ya gotta push forward. The only thing you're doing by saying you suck at everything is stopping yourself from trying cuz you're to lazy or to scared of both. Yeah you may be scared, but you gotta move through that and push forward otherwise you will be stuck where you are forever. YOU HAVE TO TRY TO SUCCEED. If you need help, again like I said in another post, I'm always here for you.
The best thing to remember every day is that you are special and that life could be worse, that you actually got better then you think you did. You have a world at your feet, use it. You have so much to give and to offer us let us see what you can really do, because I believe you can be amazing if you just put your mind to it. YOU ARE AMAZING!

Friends

This post in gunna be short cuz it's just a small thought I had today.
Be friends with people who like what you like about yourself.
Be friends with people who like all of you, not just the parts they choose to see/accept.
But remember this isn't a one way street. You can't be friends with someone you don't fully like, because eventually that "small" thing that you find to be a flaw will end that relationship you have.