I've have low self-esteem since I was 5, when for class we weighed ourselves and I was the tallest by a lot so of course I weighed the most... Ever since then I've thought I was fat.
I've been suicidally depressed since I was 16 years old, when I realized my life really had no meaning and no purpose and that I was going to lose everything and have to start over after I left the high school.
I've been deceiving myself, telling myself that if I get prettier or if I get skinnier or if I find a career I enjoy, that my life will change. That I will be happy and feel complete. It's not true, I don't feel ugly... I don't feel fat.... and I finally figured out things I"m good at and can do... but it doesn't matter. After 21 years, i finally figured out that there is no reason for me to be alive, that no matter how perfect my life is... I will never be happy because that's how I'm programmed to be. I was born to be sad, alone, and depressed. Continuing on in this journey of life without meaning... so I've decided I'm going to forget. I'm going to use everything in my power to forget who I am, who I was, and who I have to be. I'm going to forget I"m alive and forget that death is in existence. I'm going to play house until one day it just disappears. I'm not going to play by the rules others set, I'm going to play by my own rules and things that make my life interesting. I will not fear, I will not hesitate, I will not second guess what I want to do, and I definitely will not play any more stupid mind games. This life is messed up and I'm not going to walk on the sidewalk with everyone else, if I have to be alive... I'm going to play some messed up games of my own.
