Disappointment

During the course of ones life you experience a numerous amount of disappointments. Between friends not showing up to parties, people not being able to hang out, family not forgetting about important events in your life, and etc. you start to feel like you can't depend on people anymore. Eventually, after having so much disappointment in your life, you just start to expect everything and everyone to disappoint you in some way or another.
Every time I have ever thrown a party, my worst fear is that people aren't going to come. I don't think anyone is going to come, because more than often I get a lot of people telling me they can't come or not showing up. Even when I do throw a party, most people don't even show up until an hour after it's started. For that hour, I normally am alone... with all of my party stuff, thinking about how much my life doesn't matter to my friends. How that I care to much and need to stop having friends because they obviously don't like me. I'm neurotic, depressive, and a slight pessimist... I very often assume the worst will come of every situation and therefore don't get as disappointed from it.
One disappointment that never fails is boys. I dated a guy for 2 years who did nothing more than use and abuse me. To be fair to him I wasn't at a good point in my life either, so I wasn't very nice... but that didn't change how being with him made me felt. He would never stand up to his mom, who judged me because his ex-girlfriend was friends with her and wasn't over him. He never would stand up to his dad who constantly force him to do things because he was a push over. He wouldn't stand up to his ex-girlfriend who would talk crap on me. I didn't expect him to lay on a sword for me, all I wanted was to have his family give me a chance. I didn't think it was much to expect, but like most guys... he was a disappointment and didn't have the balls to stand up for me.
I made a friend at work recently, we were getting really close... We would laugh and talked together all the time and hang out all day, she made work bearable. I than one day introduced her into a guy I was into. She knew that I was into him and told me that she was excited I was into him. She also had a boyfriend so I wasn't really worried. Less than one month later, she cheated on her boyfriend and had sex with this guy I had been into. Her and him... also huge disappointments and have given me reasons to never trust people ever again...
I'm just extremely tired of disappointments... today I was told that the person I invited to a party with me won't be going... Typical. Why do I think anyone will actually do what they say they are going to do... People don't do that. People don't stick to their word anymore, people don't think it's a big deal... but that little disappointment may be little, but when they repeatedly come... one after another, you get to this point where you don't trust anyone... or rely on anyone ever again... I can trust one person, me... does that mean I will be alone for the rest of my life? I don't know, I hope not... I hope I can trust again, but do I want to? Maybe not, if it means my heart hurts.... Is it worth the heartache to be disappointed?
I guess you need to ask yourself, is that person worth it? Your heart knows, just trust it.

This week/no make-up

I've been highly addicted to make up for the last 7 years. Nobody outside of my house has ever seen me without my make-up on, because I feel ugly and powerless without it. This week I made a goal not to wear make-up at all... This is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yeah it may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but it's my addiction I do not like the way I look without make-up and right now I kinda want to go crawl in a ball and die. It's only the second day and I can't handle this. The exposure is mentally painful and it makes me feel like I am the ugliest human on the planet earth right now.
So yesterday I spent the entire day trying to get rid of this nasty face that make-up has caused my skin to have.... Today I made the mistake of inviting a guy I trust and love to come over and hang out with me... I feel so sick right now waiting for him to come over, but i know I need to do this. I need to over come my fear of people knowing who I really am. I hate make-up, it has consumed me and my life and it's pathetic that I feel like I can't go a single day without wearing it. How am I ever suppose to find someone who can love me for me if I'm always hiding behind my mask of make-up. I know I'm not exactly pretty and I know I'm not fit or anything, but I do want to be happy. I want to find someone who can see past this ugliness and see me for how I am on the inside.
At this moment I do not think it will ever happen, nobody will see past this face, but it won't stop me from trying... Even if it's just so i can learn to love myself, even though I'm not as pretty as other people. I'm me and I should learn to be me. I don't want to spend the money and time it takes to wear makeup everyday and I want my skin to be clean again. I need to do this, I need to. I just don't know if I will survive the mental hurt it will cause me this week, but I have to try.