Boys

Why is it no matter how much time I put into thinking I don't need males the moment one comes around I feel like I can't live without them? I mean it can't just be any male, but still, does a women really need a man to feel important in life?
Women have such low self-esteem that most cannot function without someone there telling them they are important, which is why so many women are getting married at such a young age. Also, most women get married early because they are to lazy to work and rather just raise children. Deep down I think even independent women want a man in their life, sure they don't need one but it would give their life more meaning. Why is that? I honestly don't know. Why is it that humans seek attention from other humans? Why do we seek love? Why is our entire existence based on finding "love" and raising a family and taking care of our family/ourselves? Shouldn't there be so much more?
If we had more time to do other things and didn't have to focus so much on searching and working, maybe we would have time to figure out things in life. Things like why we are alive, who is god, maybe we could even learn from history's mistakes.... MAYBE, just maybe, there would be less mistakes made because we wouldn't be focused on our feelings but on our thoughts and logic. Yeah, being in your head 100% of the time isn't good, but maybe if we thoroughly thought out mostly everything we did there would be less deaths, less suicides, less wars, and less poverty. Example: If a high school student was doing bad in school and thought about just dropping out, if he thought about it he wouldn't because it would be harder to get a job, it would be harder to support himself. He would realize it was just a small portion of his life he would need to complete in order to have better things later and not have to beg off the streets until he would eventually die.

Little Things

In December of 2010 I lost everything. I had no job, no car, no friends, no real family, nobody I loved or felt loved by, no home, or anything else for that matter. It was then what I realized what a horrible person I had been, how self-centered and annoying I had been. I learned then what really mattered and who really was my friends.

I had lost my only true friends because of my selfish-ness and when it came down to it my other friends really didn't give a crap about me, they had been using me for friend benefits (rides and food and such). I realized I could never get my real friends back until I made some changes about myself, not to change who I was but to change glitches about my personality. I couldn't take a joke, I was short tempered, self absorbed, and obsessive. Not anything that defined me, but just made me annoying. After I changed that part about me, I had to humble myself and admit I had been wrong and that they were the only good things that were in my life. THANK GOD they forgave me, because true friends will always be there for you.

I decided after I fixed the friend thing the only thing that would fix everything else (materialistic) would be for me just to get a job. Honestly this was the hardest part because the economy sucks way bad.... Took me 8 months for find another job... and the wait was worth it because I now have the best job EVER. It's so fun and I never knew working could be so exciting.

The last part about my family I know I can never fix, because honestly if they haven't changed by now to be good family members they never are going to be. They are all short-tempered, self-centered, hypocrites who couldn't give a crap about me being part of their family. I've decided the main reason for their dislike towards me is because I'm not a "perfect mormon child" like they supposedly are. Yeah I may not go to church every week... but do they know why? NO, because they don't give a crap my reasons they just want an excuse like every-other-mormon around here, to judge me. I decided that's ok though, you don't choose your family, but you do choose your friends. So your friends can be your family and later if you get married your spouse and your friends can be your family, you don't actually need blood relatives to be there for you, when you can have something so much more.

crazy china doll

So this post is pretty much going to be me venting about my family and their issues. You are welcome to comment any questions, concerns, or advice you have to anything I mention.
I can honestly say my family is retarded and not really a family as far as I'm concerned. I feel more related to my extended family (step brothers, half siblings, brother-in-law) then I do to my "blood related" family. Let me go down the list of parents and siblings (and half-siblings) and explain why I feel this way.

Dad: Moved away when I was 8, I saw him a lot for a while but since he got his new family he didn't really care to see me. The only reason they have been vising at all is because my step-sister and I get along really well and are decently close.

Mom (this one is going to be long I'm sure >.<): My mom has always picked favorites in my family and I can honestly say I was never one. I'm not saying that to be a jealous prick, but I could always tell she loved someone way more then me. In fact I know she loves every single person in my "family" more then me. She has picked her favorite that will last until she dies and that is my little sister. She constantly pampers her and buys her stuff and does things for her that she would never do for me. Today my nephew (who is 5) was jumping on my little sister and it pissed my "mom" off so much she didn't ask him to get off, no, she just picked him up slapped his butt and said don't do that. That brings me to her anger issues. She is bipolar I swear, one second she will be happy the next she is yelling and throwing things at people. She can't have a heated conversation with someone without getting violent. I've seen her throw bowls, kick hair gel containers, slap people, and more. I can honestly say I don't really see her as my mother, because she doesn't act like one in my opinion.

1st Brother: He is a half-sibling. I remember as a kid he would take me places with his dates, like to the zoo and such, so I feel I like him a decent amount. I've never really had a chance to know him though since he is around 15 years older then me. Though I think I would like him if I got to know him one on one, but I don't get that chance since he has a family now. His wife is great, a little high maintenance for me, but all in all a good person.

2nd Brother: He is a also a half sibling. I've always liked this brother and he is super fun. He is also around 15 years older then me so I don't know him quite as well as I would like, but he is really fun. His wife has a similar name to mine so I didn't really like her as a kid, but I'm fine with it now.

1st Sister: She is my oldest sister sibling, and probably my closest actual sibling. She pampered me as a kid (which between her and my dad I think it made me a spoiled brat as a kid) She has always been awesome and fun, but a little to head strong which can be both a good and a bad thing. If I don't agree with her then it can become very confrontational, but at least she knows what she believes in. She has a family of boys, which take up most of her time now, so were not as close as we use to be, which is fine. Her boys are super cute and her husband is super cool and fun.

3rd Brother: He is a blood related sibling. As a kid we would get mad at each other and such, but died down until this year when he decided to get really pissed at me. I use to like this brother, but because of recent circumstances he bugs me a lot and I don't hate him but I don't like being around him.

4th Brother: I can say without any doubt I hate this blood related brother. I don't think me and him have anything in common and I do not consider him as a brother. To me he is just some lazy fat creep who lives in this house. He is a big pervert and tries to get in my friends pants and if I could I would kill him (not that I'm going to, conscience and all). He has no respect for everyone and is full of himself. He is loud, rude, and stupid. I really don't think he has any good qualities at all. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, he has anger issues too. He specifically bought a controller to beat because of how pissed off he gets when he looses. Or the thousand of times he would make fun of me and I would make fun of him back he would instantly resort to violence and try to beat the crap out of me. OHHHHHH! and another think, he picks his nose, adjusts his crouch every 10 minutes and has the worst hygiene of all time, it's so bad that I refuse to eat anything he has touched.

2nd Sister: She is a blood related sister. I think she is a spoiled brat. She has detachment issues. Anytime my mom is gone or gets hurt she freaks out. She would rather choose giving my mother a massage then play and hang out with her favorite cousins. She falls asleep while praying every night and when my mom wakes her up she complains and cries and throws a tantrum. I seriously wonder how she will survive in the world with that anger and "innocense." When she is hanging out with me and my cousins I get along with her, otherwise i find her to complainy.

Step-sister and brother: I love my step sister, she is the bomb. I can't say anything bad about her. I don't really know my step brother very well but he seems very cool.

So all and all I disown anyone I'm blood related to besides my 1st sister.

High School

If I could have 1 thing to redo it would be my personality all throughout High School.

I was thee most self-centered, ignorant, self-loathing, crazy chick ever in High School. I took everything so personally, which is why I think I had Andrew for a best friend. He is known for teasing, so during high school I took all of his teasing seriously. I cried because of stupid jokes he made and felt self conscious just being around him and Tyler. Because of them I finally understood joking humor, which is important in surviving in todays brutal world. Because of them I learned to just laugh at myself, to not care what other people think, because honestly we shouldn't.

Everyone just needs to learn to be themselves and especially to laugh when they make mistakes. Life is for learning and if your not laughing off your mistakes then your going to drowned in them like I did. EVERYONE makes mistakes, even if they think they don't they do.

Day 25: Put your iPod/music player on shuffle, first 10 songs

1. Numai Tu- O-zone
2. She's a Rebel- Green Day
3. Shut Up and Let Me Go- Ting Tings
4. Strict Machine- GoldFrapp
5. He Wasn't- Avril Lavigne
6. Hurricane- 30 Seconds to Mars
7. Sanctuary- Utada Hikaru
8. My Bloody Valentine- Good Charlotte
9. Opera Number 1- Vitas
10. Complicated- Avril Lavigne

Day 24: Something you've learned in the past year

I've actually learned a lot over the past year, so here are some of the things I've learned.
1. Having a job, whether you like it or not, is important.
2. Friends feelings should always come before your own. That is if they are a good friend like Tyler and Andrew.
3. Everyone is a small piece of the world. Not worth anything, really, but still there. Thinking it revolves around you is stupid and childish, nobody purposefully wants to ruin your life. Your life is because you made it that way or because your luck sucks.
4. Bad boys are hot and fun to have a fling with, but when it comes to marriage and actually really dating someone it's never going to be the bad boy.
5. Love isn't what most people think it is. Love doesn't exist in high school. Love isn't simple or easy.
6. High Schoolers are really immature and stupid and they cause their own drama.
7. Bro's stick with Bro's, but Ho's do not stick with Ho's. To everyone it's always Bro's before Ho's.
8.People are not always who they pretend to be. Most are fake and conniving.
9. I'm way to trusting.
10. Do not do everything for others, your life is for you. Yeah it's nice to give people stuff and you can do that, but just make sure your life is in order and that your happy first before you try to help them.

Day 23: Favorite childhood memory

I don't have any specific memories in my childhood, but my childhood friend was Seth Bangeter. We would do everything together. We dipped our Popsicles in the ditch behind my house, we climbed on roofs and fences, we played night games with the neighborhood kids, we went to each others houses in our pajamas, and we even had some of the same teachers in school. He is by far my longest friend, going on now for almost 19 years. I've known that kid since the moment I could really know someone. If I'm lucky we will stay friends for the rest of our lives, because he is an awesome person.

Today post thoughts

So I've been thinking about why I feel so upset about what happened yesterday. I mean stuff like that has happened many times in my life. I think the part that bothered me was the fact one of the people I looked up to and who I thought was mature and actually understood life was Alex. To find out I was wrong, and that he wasn't the person I always pictured him to be shattered my reality. Stuff like that I would always get from Kalicia and Myles.... but rarely did I get from Alex and never to that extent. The moment he told me he didn't want me there anymore... well that was my breaking point. That was the moment I knew I didn't belong in my family. Hearing it from Alex was hard for me... but the fact was that week I had actually been trying to be part of that family, and hearing him yell that at me made me finally realize I wasn't and I will never be good enough for them.

I think I've finally reach the point of no return. I either start a new life soon or end my previous one. I only have a few months in which this can happen, so if it doesn't happen soon my journey will have to end, because I can't live like this. You can only cry and have your crappy life thrown in your face so many times before you get to the point of no return. I know I have thought this before about how my life couldn't get any worse... but honestly at this point I'm 98% sure that this life couldn't get to much crappier. This kind of pain is getting harder and harder to bare... Right now I have a crutch, but in a few months it will be removed and unless my life has hard core turn around, I'm screwed. At that point it will have to end, because I will have no realistic choices left... not even a little one.

Today

So instead of doing day 23, I decided to do something more interesting and do day 23 tomorrow. I'm going to tell you of my day today.

It started out pretty normal, I got up and got ready. I then got to babysit my nephews for 4 hours then they went home. I wrote some stuff in a story and then ate some food. It's after eating where my life got crazy again.

I was sitting on the couch typing and checking Facebook, when Kalicia finds a fake piece of bread in the pillow next to her. She freaks then puts the bread on my keyboard, I told her it wasn't mine and threw it back her. She then kept putting the bread back on my keyboard and I kept throwing it back at her. She then yelled about how she was putting it there so she could put it away later and threw the bread at my face. I yelled and said she was being retarded and how sometimes I wonder if she actually is retarded. My mom then got angry at me for being so "harsh", I explained it was the only way I could get through to her, but she was still mad.

Then my obviously retarded older brother, ALEX, threw water at me. YES WATER, with a lappy sitting right there. It did get on my lappy so I freaked out and told him to stop being so stupid and how he could have ruined my computer. I don't really remember to much of our yelling but I do remember him punching me and trying to throw me outside of my house. Then he sat on top of my head and started punching me, so I bite him out of self defense because at the point that was all I could do. SO then he punched me harder in the head. Then walked to the door and told me he wish I would leave already. I told him I wish I could, then decided I would. I yelled about how I was never coming back... crying of course. Pick up a lot of stuff then walked out.

And yes I do not plan on ever going back there ever if I can pull it off. I need a job and a car. Then I won't ever have to go back... because thinking about having to go back there and live with those people makes me feel really sick and even makes me want to cry.

Day 22: Favorite book

The Mortal Instruments is by far my favorite series. Most books I can't get through, either because they are to boring or it has to much details in it or the characters aren't appealing to me. This book is perfect in every way. Not only is the story line and plot twists great, but the men in these books are to die for. They are amazingly hot and adorable. This book isn't super easy to read, but it's not hard either. I swear this book was made just to please people like me. Since there aren't many people like me, it's meant to please me alone. :P

Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?

Sadly enough my favorite picture is not available to put up, but I can tell you what it's of and show you a good recent picture that I like.
The picture I love the most was one my sister Carissa took when I was younger. She had dressed me up in a short and t-shirt and sunglasses slightly to big for me, put me in a lawn chair with my right leg on top of my left leg. She then had me look at the camera and took a picture starting from my right foot and focused on my face. It is amazing and cute, i love it.
The picture up above is a funny picture of me looking at the statue mans butt. ^_^

Day 20: A memorable dream or nightmare

I will first tell you about the nightmare I have when I'm sick, then I will tell you my most vivid and most constant dream.
When I'm sick I have a dream about a huge bowling ball that smushes me then just continues down the bowling lane, and it just keeps happening over and over again. My brother and I were talking about our dreams last year, turns out we have the same bowling dream when were sick. Super weird right?
My most vivid dream is this. It starts out that 2 families are on a cruise taking a double family vacation together. Then a crazy wind storm happens the ship overturns and the 2 families and the ship lands safely onto this island in the middle of no where. Without food or much water the 2 families start to go crazy. We start to think the sand is magic and turns into food or whatever kind of food we wanted. So we all get some mashed potatoes and gravy and sit down at this table to eat it and just before I take my first bite this guy says "I wouldn't do that if I were you." I then look down my food and it turns back into sand, but with gravy on it. I look back up at this man and realize he is different, then the other preppy girl from the other family starts to flirt with him. (to give you the short version of this long story) He ends up being a vampire and takes a small group to find some food, we get back, save the camp, and I fall in love with this dark haired man. (this dream is much longer and much more detailed and even has lots of dialogue... It's definitely the most exact and specific dream I've ever had)
OH~! Another thing I forgot to tell you. I'm psychic, well dream psychic that is. I have dreams all the time about days in my future. I once had a dream in 6th grade about Kelley and being stuck at his house alone with him.... I didn't meet Kelley til 4 years later. Crazy stuff.

Day 19: Something you miss

There is such a long list of things I miss that I think I will just bullet point this or something. So things I currently miss:
- Having friends/Hanging out with friends
- Tyler (he is on his mission)
- School
- Money
- A Job
- Driving
- My cousins
- Camping
- Dating
- FF7
- Swimming
- My Innocence
- Drawing
- Heath Ledger
- Life
and more

Day 18: Favorite restaurant

This a pretty easy question for me, but I'm going to be very specific on the type of restaurant I want for each type of food that I would eat.
Italian: Gloria's, Little Italy
Mexican: Cafe Rio
Japanese: Sakura
Pizza: Pizza Factory
Cheeseburger: 5 Guys Burgers and Fries
Sandwich: Chubby's (Philly Cheese Steak)

Day 17: Something you're looking forward to

Either the day I'm financially unburdened or death.

Day 16: Dream house

I've actually thought about this one a lot before today. I want a gothic cathedral house, not to be mistaken with a renaissance cathedrals which are much more dark and dreary, for the outside. On the inside I want it to be more modern in both furniture and design but still have the affect of the rose windows. I would also like to have a garden in the center of this cathedralish place. One that is extravagant and beautiful.
This is obviously just dreaming because I would have to be over a billionaire to create such a building, but I can still keep feeding myself false hopes about such a place.

Day 15: Favorite quote

So many quotes to choose from, but I think I'm gunna pick this one:

" Beauty is all well at first site; but whoever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?"
- William Shakespeare

I find this quote to be very true. Personality is 50% or more of what a guy/girl is attracted to, without it your relationship will just be physical and that only lasts so long.

Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?

This was during yearbook signing last year. I think I look quite different. For one I do my hair and make up differently. I also have matured since last year and my clothing style is slightly different. All and all I'm still Shantelle, but better and hopefully I will keep getting better.

Day 13: Goals

1. Get a job
2. Go to college
3. Mature more
4. Get an Apartment
5. Get a car
6. Get a career
7. Get a house
8. Get a boyfriend
9. Grow some more (mentally)
10. Get married
11. Get a pet
12. Become prettier
13. Rock at life

Those are my goals, they aren't exactly in order, but that's the gist of what my goals are.

Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without

I never leave the house without clothes and make-up. I don't want to look the best I can for other people I want to look the best I can for me. I like to feel comfortable with the way I look so I dress and "decorate" my face so that's more appealing.

Day 11: Favorite tv shows.

I love The Office because it's just freaking amazing, I love every character but Phyllis in their own way, it's so funny I could be in the worst mood ever watching it and by the end I'm happy.

I love Scrubs because it's funny and interesting. My favorite characters are J.D., Turk, Cox, Elliot, and sometimes Jordain. My ultimate favorite character is Kelso, by the last season he definitely becomes my all time favorite.

I love Psych because of Shawn, Gus, and Carlton. It's also a pretty good detective show.
How I Met Your Mother is just funny. I do love how they got Neil Patrick Harrison, he is an amazing actor and just funny.

I do love Aqua Teen Hunger Force, just because it is Aqua Teen Hunger Force. So amazing and funny.

Firefly is also another amazing series. I love every character in their own way.

I also love Design Star because it's something that interests me as a career. Possibly someday I could even be on that show.

I started to love Ugly Betty 2 seasons in because the characters are very likable even if the storyline is kind of messed up, but it's suppose to be (spanish-english-soap opera)

There are more but I don't want this post to long and this shows some of my favorites.

Day 10: Something you're afraid of

I'm afraid of spiders and wasps, spiders because they are super creepy and are always waiting for you to sleep so they can bite you. I hate wasps because they are always pissed off and ready to sting people and they can fly wherever they want, you can't get away from them.
I'm also afraid of sharks if I'm in the water, and the Ferris Wheel. I hate the Ferris Wheel, it's a horrible invention in which could break at any possible second. Not only that but it slowly goes around reminding you how fragile it is.

Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend.

This is Aeon, and she looks like Mario to me. :P

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

For my 11th or 12th birthday my mom, my sister, and I went to visit my brother and his family in Florida. My ears were plugged the entire visit and for the first 5 hours there I literally could here nothing, so I pretended I could and nodded and smiled at people. While there we went to a beach, while swimming it suddenly fish started flying out of the water everywhere. We talked to the lifeguard and saw that there was a Hammer-head shark in the water.
While we were there we celebrating my birthday, watched my nieces dance, and hung out with the fam. The land was very flat and very pretty, and the ocean was very pretty. I do suggest going there. ^_^

Day 7: Favorite movies

I love so many movies it's hard to choose my favorites. I do know that I love Cars, Sweeney Todd, Breakfast Club, Sherlock Holmes, Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children, Beauty and The Beast (disney version) and more. Pretty much I love every movie with Heath Ledger, Owen Wilson, Johnny Depp, and Robert Downey Jr.

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

My Best Friend Aeon took this picture of our friend Andrew.... We laugh every time we see this picture and it's not just a giggle, I mean full on laugh for 20 minutes every time. It's amazing! I LOVE IT! Plus that day was fantastic, hanging with my 2 best friends EVER. I love them and couldn't see a life without them.

Day 5: A song to match your mood.

Day 4: Your parents

Don't really know what to say here... Well my dad left when I was 8, but he did take me and my little sister out every other weekend. He would take us swimming, or to The Dome, or to Lagoon, or to a food place. So even though he was gone I saw him a lot. I've always kind of gotten a long with my mom, but at the same time now. Being a female teenager there will normally be some what dislike between the mother and the daughter... But over the past year it has spiked. I blame it on the fact she has been butting into my business and telling me what to do, when I'm obviously an adult now. I rarely see her or my dad now, I try to avoid my mom as much as possible and my dad moved to California. I can't lie, I wish my relationship with them was better, but it's not, so I will make the best with what I have.

Day 3: Your first love

Weirdly enough my first boyfriend also was my first love. We dated for 5 months and by the end of it we had talked about running away together. Yeah we were kind of immature, but at the time he felt like the only guy for me. Around May I realized that other guys were flirting with me and I felt trapped, so I dumped him. We are still friends, luckily, because he was the only guy I've dated where I actually improved his life and not hurt it.

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name.

"Sometimes life is unexpected, like mine"
This title is a way to say how random my days are and how unpredictable people are in my life. One day me and a girl will be best friends, then the next were worst enemies because she betrayed me. Or when I think someone is a good person and isn't judging me, i find out the next day they are a heartless bitch with no morals and someone who judges everyone. Or one day my mom and I will be friends and they next she is all up in my ass about how I'm not a good enough daughter. My life is so unpredictable I can't even make plans with people because they are to likely to fall through.

Day 1:

15 facts of Shantelle: Well my favorite color is green, favorites movies Cars and Sweeney Todd, I've broken my nose & collarbone, I have 6 siblings and 2 step siblings (which I love), my style of clothes is a mix between punk emo and prep, I love designing both the inside and outside of buildings, my favorite game is Final Fantasy 7, I wont let you mess with my friends and get away with it, I love to party, I like boys, I love food especially steak and potato salad, my favorite holiday is Halloween, my first crush was on Ty Sorenson (first grade), and I rarely hate people even though I say otherwise sometimes unless they have wronged me in some way.

So Aeon has instructed me to do this 30 day blogging challenge, I'm always up for a challenge.. so I guess I'm going to do it. Here is the layout of the next 30 posts I'm doing:

Day 1: Introduction, recent picture of yourself, and 15 interesting facts.
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name.
Day 3: Your first love.
Day 4: Your parents.
Day 5: A song to match your mood.
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 7: Favorite movies.
Day 8: A place you've traveled to.
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend.
Day 10: Something you're afraid of.
Day 11: Favorite tv shows.
Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without.
Day 13: Goals.
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Favorite quote.
Day 16: Dream house.
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to.
Day 18: Favorite restaurant.
Day 19: Something you miss.
Day 20: A memorable dream or nightmare.
Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?
Day 22: Favorite book.
Day 23: Favorite childhood memory.
Day 24: Something you've learned in the past year.
Day 25: Put your iPod/music player on shuffle, first 10 songs.
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding.
Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in.
Day 28: Something that stresses you out.
Day 29: Favorite band or music group.
Day 30: A picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge.