Mustaches, I'm not attracted to men with mustaches.. but I noticed something today. I am more likely to trust a man who has a mustache then I am to trust anyone else. Why? Because my father has had a mustache as long as I can possibly remember. For those of you who don't know, my father divorced my mom when I was 9 and then moved to California when I was 11 or 12. I rarely ever see my father and we don't talk all that much. When I was younger and my mom told me my dad got divorced from her, I just shrugged. Even before they got divorced he wasn't around very much, I normally only saw him every other weekend... sometimes less... so him being gone "forever" wasn't really a huge deal to me. I did/do love my dad, but for some reason that had no effect on me at all as a little child, in fact, until very recently did it effect me at all. Which is why I find it weird that I trust mustache men so easily.
For some strange reason this year I've been missing my dad like crazy. I realize lots of my obsession with douche bag boys and thinking I deserve nothing and that nobody will ever love me is because I'm afraid to ever feel anything towards anyone, because I don't want them to leave and break my heart. I had apparently had repressed all feelings towards my dad and the situation for 11 or 12 years without even knowing it.
Until this year I never noticed I had abandonment issues or daddy issues. I thought all my anger was just cuz of my siblings (and yes part of it definitely was), but a part I hadn't realized was that I was suppressing other feelings like sadness and covering it with anger. Almost every time I've ever been angry, it was actually not anger that I was feeling it was sadness... but I thought it was better for me to get mad then to cry like a wussy.
Getting mad only gets you so far, plus you are more likely to lose friends and family and everyone you love that way, but if you're like me you haven't found a way to actually love anyone... because giving someone that kind of power over how you feel is scary. Being sad is a better way to deal with the horrible feelings of betrayal and horrible circumstances... I'm not saying you should wallow in self pity and cry all the time.. .I'm saying that crying is a part of the grieving process, because YES YOU ARE GRIEVING. Despite what you think, grieving doesn't have to be over just something big, it can be over small things like losing a friend or failing a test... So here's what you should be going through:
1. Denial and/or Isolation
2. Anger (it's better to not stay on this stage to long, it can make things worse)
3. Bargaining
4. Depression (don't stay to long on this one either)
5. Acceptance
You will hit all 5 stages at least once in this process (most likely), but if your like me you'll go through all of them multiple times in one day or over the week. It doesn't matter the order of 1-4 but as long as you can finally find acceptance, that's all that actually matters. Also, if you get stuck on an angry stage or depression for to long, seek help.. either from friends, family, youtube videos (they can help), help lines, anywhere you possibly can... You deserve to be happy and the only way you can do it is if you get rid of your negative feelings and finally realize your better then what's happening to you and move on, knowing that at some point it will have to get better... Just wait it out, just wait it out. Also if you ever need help, feel free to contact me. Send me a message or whatever, I'm hear to listen and I will try to help, because even though you're probably a stranger, I do love you. I want to help. I'm here for you if no one else is, I always will be. You matter, in my opinion more then I do. Lets do what it takes to make you as happy as I believe you deserve.
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